Church Jokes

	Catholic Father  There was a catholic Father that would sit out on his balcony, which overlooked a local street, every evening. At about the same time every evening the Mormon Elders would ride their bikes by on their way home from a day of proselyting. These missionary were having some success, and this irritated the Catholic Father.  He decided one evening that he was going to get the Elders. Noticing that the towns people were out and about, he decided that when he saw the missionaries, that he would shout  a greeting "Hello sons of the Devil". So the time came when he saw Elders riding their bikes in his direction. He stood up and shouted his greeting. The missionary in good nature shouted back "Hello Father"
	Tactful Sister Missionaries .... Sitting behind a couple of Sister Missionaries at a football game in Boston, three men decided to badger the Sisters in an effort to get them to move.  In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Maine, there are only 100 Mormons living there."  The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Vermont, there are only 50 Mormons living there."  The third guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to New  Hampshire, there are only 25 Mormons living there."   One of the Sisters turned around and looked at the men. Calmly she said, "Of course, you could go to hell, there aren't any Mormons there."
	Wedding Question A young boy wanted to know why brides always dress in white, so he went looking for his mother. Once he had found her he asked "Mom why do brides dress in white when they get married." His mother replied, "Son, it is a sign of purity. White signifies purity without blemish or mark, and when a bride dresses in white it is to show that she is pure and with out mark. This show that she is ....". And the son listened to his mother go on for a while and did not understand a thing. Confused and still with his fundamental questions, the son went to his dad to ask the same question. "Dad" said the son, "Why do brides dress in white when they get married?".  His dad replied "Oh son that is very simple to explain,  most kitchen appliances come in white."
	The Prodigal Son A pastor told the story of "The Prodigal Son" to a  first grade class. To check on understanding, he asked; "Who was the most unhappy when the prodigal son  returned?" An eager boy raised his hand and stated the simple truth "The Fatted Calf".

Corny Jokes

	Vulture Joke There was a vulture and he arrived at the airport and presented his ticket at the ticket counter. The airline worker ask him where he was going and asked for ID. After that the worker asked, do you have any luggage to check in? And the Vulture replied, no I just have my Carry-on.
	Indian on Reservation There was a salesman that was traveling across the country on the transcontinental railroad in the late 1800s.  Somewhere in the mid-west the train he was on broke down.  As the train came to a stop the conductor announced that the train was going to be stopped for a few hours to allow them to conduct repairs. He told the passengers that there was a small Indian village near by and that they were welcome to get off the train to look around. We will sound the whistle 3 times when we are ready to go.  So this sales man bored, decided to see what a small Indian village was like.  As he was walking through the village, he saw a sign on a TEE PEE that said  "Indian who can remember everything $5"  He thought that what could he loose, he had nothing else to do, so he went inside and paid his $5. The Indian greeted him and he asked the old man "what did General Custard have for breakfast". The Indian thought and after a while responded "Eggs".  The salesman was amazed. Wow he really can remember everything. Just then he heard the train whistle sound 3 times, so he went back to the train and continued his journey. He was so amazed that when he returned home he told all of his friends about this amazing Indian. Almost 10 years later he was making the same trip and remembered the Indian. Being much wiser and old the thought, that Indian took me for my $5. Anyone could have said eggs. How would he know whether or not he had eggs for breakfast. He decided to get off the train at the same Indian village to go and see the Indian once more.  He dressed up in Indian apparel and a head dress.  All dressed up he went to the same TEE PEE went in and greeted the same old Indian in the traditional Indian greeting. "How" said the salesman, and the Indian responded "Scrambled".
	The Pig with the Wooden Leg There was an old farmer that had a guest visiting him on his farm.  As they were looking at the farm and the guest noticed that there was a pig that was in the pig pin which had a wooden leg.  He asked the farmer why did the pig have a wooden leg.  The farmer said that it was a long story and that if he really wanted to know that he would be glad to tell him what happened. Of course this only peaked the interest of the guest even more. So the farmer obliged and told him the story. He said: One night me and the misses were sleeping and there was a fire in the house. We slept unaware of the pending danger. The pig saw the fire and ran inside the house and into our bedroom and began to squeal to wake us up. I believe that that night the pig saved our lives.  "Wow said the guest. That is truly amazing, but how did the pig get a wooden leg" The farmer continued "Several years latter, there was another fire in the barn, and the pig let out all of the cattle and horses and saved their lives."  "Wow that is even more amazing" said the guest. " But I don't get how the pig ended up with a wooden leg." "That is easy" said the farmer "A pig that valuable you don't eat all at once"
	The Bell Ringer The church bell ringer had recently left town and the priest and local parish were interviewing potential candidates. So far, those who had made it up the bell tower and tried to ring the huge bell just didn't have  the right swing or strength to make it resonate.    The next candidate was quite eager and anxious to  prove himself. Father greeted the young man and was about to fill out the paperwork when the candidate  took a few steps back and said "I'll ring the bell for you! I'll show you I'm really good!!" He took a mad dash, jumped and crashed his face against the down swing of the bell.   Well! The Father and Priest had never seen a person use such a painful method to ring the bell... yet, they  had to agree it was the sweetest, purest tone they had ever heard.    "Now look here, son, we can't let you go crashing....."   "Oh, you weren't convinced. I can do it again!  Watch!!"                                    And again he ran, took a flying leap and smashed his face into the swinging bell. And once again, the bell let out a pure, solid ring unlike any heard before.  The Priest stepped in front of the young man. "I'm afraid we can't use this kind of talent here.."   The Y.Man replied "But this is my calling, I just know it is!" and dashed around the Priest toward the bell and jumped. He mistimed the swing of the bell, went flying through the bell tower window and fell  30 feet to his death.   A short time later, the police arrived are began  filling out the accident report. The officer asked the  Father and Priest about the young man's name.    "I don't know his name" said Father, "BUT HIS FACE SURE RANG A BELL.."
	Boogers and Broccoli What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?                                    Kids won't eat broccoli!
	The African hut There is a strange custom among a little-known African tribe. When the old chief dies, his throne his halled to the top of a hut, where it will hang until his son comes of age. One day the son was playing near this hut, when the structure collapsed under the weight of the heavy throne. The throne fell onto the boy, crushing him and killing him. The moral of the story: 'Those who live in grass huts shouldn't stow thrones'
	Doctor Visit A guy goes to his doctor. He walks in to the doctor's office. He's got a carrot sticking out of one ear, a parsnip out of the other and an asparagus stalk sticking out of each nostril.   He complains "Doc, I feel really, really terrible. What do you think is wrong?"  The doctors looks him up and down for a long time and finally says "First of all, I can tell you're not eating right."
	Duck Food A duck walks into a restaurant and asks the waiter, "Have you got any duck food?" "No," says the waiter. Next day, the duck walks in again and asks, "Have you got any duck food?"             "I told you yesterday. No!" says the waiter.             Next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Have you got any duck food?"             The waiter says, "Look, duck, I didn't have any yesterday or the day before. I don't have any duck food.             And if you come in tomorrow and ask for duck food, I'll nail your bill to the table."                            Next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Have you got any nails?"                                    "No," says the waiter.                                     "Oh," says the duck, "Have you got any duck food?"

Blonde Jokes

	Blonde and the Bridge A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette jumped off a bridge. Who hit the ground first? The brunette. The blonde had to stop for directions on the way down, and the redhead stopped to find out what happened to the blonde.
	Blonde Grenade What happens when a blond throws a grenade at you?                                    You pull the pin and throw it back.
	Blonde and Sheep There was a typical blonde named Suzy. One day she                                    went driving down a country road and came across a                                    herd of sheep. She stopped and called the shepherd                                    over.                                    "Hey, That's a real nice flock of sheep," she said.                                    "Well, thank you, miss" said the herder.                                    "I have a proposition for you," said Suzy. "If I can                                    guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I                                    take one home?"                                    "Why, Sure," said the herder, convinced no one                                    could guess exactly.                                    So Suzy sat up and looked at the herd for a few                                    seconds, then replied, "178".                                    "Wow!" said the herder. "Incredible. That's exactly                                    right. Go ahead and pick out any sheep you want to                                    take home.". So Suzy went and picked one out and                                    put it in her car.                                    The herder leaned over the convertible and said,                                    "Okay, now I have a proposition for you."                                    "What is it?" queried Suzy.                                    "Well," said the herder, "If I can guess the real color                                    of your hair, can I have my dog back?" Bar and the Alligator A man walks into a bar, leading an alligator on a leash.   "You serve lawyers here?" he asks the bartender.  "Sure do," the bartender replies.    "great, then, I'll have a beer, and a lawyer for my gator."

Political Jokes

Engineer Jokes Genie Three guys, a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.. The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about  this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out, it's virtually impenetrable." The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."

Odds and Ends

	Polish Wedding and wake What is the difference between a polish wedding and a polish wake?  (One less drunk)
	The Carriage Ride There was an old man and an old lady that were traveling in a carriage from their farmhouse to the local town.  They were about halfway between the town and their farmhouse when all of a sudden their horse just stopped. The farmer was of course upset by the fact that his horse had stopped.  He got down from his carriage and went around to the front of the horse.  He looked the horse in the eyes, and said "that's once".  He then got back in the carriage and said "gitty up" and the horse went on down the road.  After they had ridden a little further down the road, the horse stopped again. And once again the farmer  even angrier than before got down off the carriage, and went to the front of the horse. And as before he looked the horse in the eyes and said "That's twice".  He then got back in the carriage and said "gitty up" and the horse went on down the road.  After they had ridden  not much further down the road, the horse stopped for a third time. Very upset at the horse the farmer pulled out his rife, stood up in the carriage and shot the horse dead.  His wife was shocked, and immediately started to chew out her husband for shooting the horse. "What do you think you are doing" she yelled. "That was the only horse we have, now how are we suppose to get to town or even home for that matter. Do you think...." she went on. The farmer listened not saying a word. When his wife finnaly calmed down, and quit speaking. He looked her in the eyes and said "That's once"
	Policeman and the Old Ladies Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch  speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car  puttering along at 22 MPH.   He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"   So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and  white as ghosts.   The driver, obviously confused, says to him,  "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!  What seems to be the problem?"   "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding,   but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."   "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the  speed limit exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman  says a bit proudly.    The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.    A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked  the officer for pointing out her error.     "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the  officer asks with concern.    "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
	Wisest Man in the world One day 3 men were walking on the beach. They saw                                    an old lamp, and naturally, one of them picked it up                                    and rubbed it. A genie came out and informed the                                    men that since there were 3 of them, if it was okay,                                    he would grant them each one wish. "well, sure",                                    they said. The first man said, "Genie, I want to be the                                    wisest man in the world." "okay", said the genie, and                                    *pouf*, he was the wisest man in the world. "Genie,                                    I want to be the richest man in the world." said the                                    second man. "Okay", said the genie, and *pouf*, he                                    was the richest man in the world. "So, what do you                                    want?" the genie asked the third man. "Well, genie, I                                    want to be even wiser than that guy, I want to be the                                    wisest man in the universe, as wise as I can be."                                    "Okay", said the genie, and *pouf*, he was a woman.
	The Hindu, Jew and Lawyer A Hindu, a Jew and a lawyer are driving down a                                    country road. Their car breaks down, and they walk                                    to the nearest farmhouse for help. The farmer                                    answers the door and lets them in. "I can drive you to                                    the garage in town tomorrow, boys," he says, "but it's                                    too late tonight. I have a spare bedroom with a                                    double bed, but that's all, so one of you will have to                                    sleep out in the barn."                                    The Hindu volunteers, so everyone beds down for                                    the night and he walks out to the barn.                                    Five minutes later, he comes back and knocks on the                                    door. When the farmer answers, he explains: "Sir, I                                    don't mean to belittle your hospitality, but there's a                                    cow out in the barn, and to us Hindus, the idea of                                    keeping such a sacred animal in captivity is very                                    uncomfortable. I can't sleep out there."                                    The Jew steps to the door and volunteers to go in the                                    Hindu's place. But, sure enough, five minutes later he                                    is knocking on the door as well. "There's a pig in the                                    barn," he explains, "and Jews consider pigs to be                                    very unclean animals. I'm afraid I would much rather                                    sleep inside, too."                                    The lawyer, in a huff, says: "All right, if you two                                    can't handle sleeping in the barn, I'll go." And he                                    stomps out of the farmhouse.                                    Five minutes later, the cow and the pig come                                    knocking at the door . . .

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